Today I was reminded of why I began this blog: Being a male dancer at a young age is a tough road to hoe. It was tough for Julian in first grade and it continues to be tough for him as a junior in high school.
Anyway, I was reminded when I saw a tweet from my friend Nichelle at Dance Advantage: “My 6-Year-Old Son Takes Ballet—You Got a F#$%^$#@ Problem With That? – Several Twitter peeps passed this… http://tumblr.com/xsx2hof98k.” I was intrigued and clicked through to her “Nichelle’s Note’s” page and then onto Jacques Berlinerblau‘s post at The Chronicle. I read his witty description of his son’s start in dance and his first experience of being teased and bullied for choosing this art form.
Ah…I know this experience well. I know the tears, the frustration, the alienation our sons feel. I know the anger, frustration and pain the parents feel. I feel your pain Jacques and your son’s. Been there, done that too often. I’ve cried my share of tears along with my son.
Maybe some of you recall Julian’s first negative experience around the fact that he had chosen to dance. He was in first grade. I guess that would have made him six years old. He’d been dancing for three years already. He found himself at school on “his day” for show and tell, and he’d forgotten to bring anything to share. Thinking fast he decided to share something about himself. “I dance,” he told his whole first grade class. And the whole first grade class laughed at him.
Luckily he had a great first grade teacher who, much like Berlinerblau’s younger son, was quite good and sensitive. After consoling Julian, she gave all the children a good talking to about their reaction to Julian’s sharing, about dance being an appropriate activity for both girls and boys…yada yada yada.
Some things never change, though. Although the rest of elementary school was somewhat uneventful, especially because Julian still had time to show his male prowess by playing soccer and taking gymnastics classes–in fact, he excelled at all sports, Julian was teased all through middle school and the beginning of high school. I thought by the end of his sophomore year the jocks who continued to say “gay” as he walked buy had pretty much stopped.
Wrong. Just a few months ago I went into Julian’s room and gave him a long speech I would live to regret. He’d been a particularly unpleasant teenage boy for the last month or so. I’d just come back from another three-hour round-trip drive to San Francisco so he could get the best ballet training available (which, needless to say, wreaks havoc on my day–and life) and after being treated…well…let’s just say disrespectfully one too many times, I’d had it. I stormed in and said, “Here’s the deal. You can either start speaking to me and treating me with the respect I deserve or I can stop driving you to San Francisco. I can enroll you in a ballet program close to home, and that will just have to do. I’ve had it. Do you hear me? I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ve had it with your behavior. Do you understand?”
Ever been there and done that? (I’m not proud of it…believe me.)
All I got was sullen silence. That’s when my “good-mother” instinct kicked in. I decided maybe I should find out what his problem really was, so I asked, “What is your problem anyway?”
“Nothing. Never mind. Go away.”
“Obviously there’s a problem.”
“It doesn’t matter. Leave me alone.” (Sound like a teenager?)
By now I am feeling really guilty because I can sense there is a problem. I ask again, without all my anger. (Now I’m being a better mom, right?) “What’s the problem? You obviously are upset. So, tell me why you are acting so angry all the time.”
Then it poured out…with frustration, sadness, anger. He was still getting teased–by the same guys mostly. A lot of people knew him and appeared to like him, but he felt he had few if any close friends. He felt different, alienated, alone at school. He didn’t fit in, and the teasing was really getting to him.
And, guess what? He was taking it out on me.
Of course, I apologized. I felt even more guilty–and less proud of my behavior. His behavior improved, but the problem did not go away. He wasn’t about to stop dancing.
I’ve heard tell that even adult male dancers get teased. They still feel ostracized and different. Yet, they are the ultimate athletes.
Look at Desmond Richardson of Complexions Contemporary Dance…just look! This is what Julian looks at to remind himself of what a male dancer is all about. This is what he wants to look like. And he’d like to accomplish everything Richardson has accomplished in his career. Or look at the photo of Edward Villella in Berlinerblau’s post.
Is this a body of a “sissy,” a “girl” or something to be made fun of or rather of an athlete just like that of a football or soccer player? I can tell you Richardson has more grace and strength than most athletes and can perform feats many of them can’t–and most male dancers can boast of the same abilities.
But I’m preaching to the choir here. Just like my son and Berlinerblau’s son, your sons can and do dance. Anyone got a problem with that? Come see me.
Or, if you do have a problem, I suppose you can continue to take your chances by picking on the dancin’ boys as they get older. You might be sorry you chose a dancer to tease or bully should one decide to take action. I know a not-too-tall San Francisco Ballet corps member who took out a thug trying to steal his iphone on the subway. (No, he was not being teased; the guy just wanted the phone.) The dancer packed a mean punch in that wiry little body. The iphone did not get stolen. The thief surely wore a telling bruise on his face for a long while. He picked the wrong guy to mess with.
Not that I’m advocating our dancin’ boys fight the bullies, mind you… Just saying. They ain’t no sissies.
Boy have we been there with the bullying. My son is 13 now and has danced since he was 4. He has never been teased for being a dancer persay because he rarely tells anyone he is. He has always been guarded with his friends and feels like he doesn’t lead a normal life. Its true, he doesn’t compared to his classmates. He’s been teased about his looks mostly – told he’s ugly, too skinny, that the veins in his arms stick out too much, on and on. He has a very beautiful dancer’s build – tall with lean muscle. In a sea of obese middle schoolers, he doesn’t look like everyone else nor does he “carry” himself or move like everyone else. I never thought I would have a conversation with a teenage boy over how he hates the way his legs look uncovered! He also gets hassled for being smart which, forgive the irony, is completely stupid. Counseling has helped so much to teach him how to project himself as a non-target and boost his social self esteem.
It’s funny….my boys have been teased, but only a few times because we are home schooled. I guess we avoid a lot of that. At this point, I feel it more than my sons. I have had countless ‘friends’ say things like, “I can’t believe your husband allows your boys to take ballet!” or “How can your husband stand it?” or “My husband couldn’t deal with that!”
We honestly never in a million years thought or planned for five of our children (four of whom are boys) to take ballet and LOVE it. Who would have thought? We are so happy for our children! So happy that they are passionate about something and enjoy themselves and have goals and have strong bodies……but they don’t have a lot of friends either…..at least they have each other.
PS we enjoyed watching Julian perform at YAGP!!!!!
Wow! Four boys dancing. You should be writing this blog! I wish you had introduced yourself to me at YAGP!
Hey! Sad story.. It doesn’t always have to be like this though! I am an 18 year old boy and I just recently started ballet myself. I told everyone I know but I haven’t had any negative responses so far! Maybe it’s because I’m dutch and there’s more of a taboo on it in the USA. I wish all of you well and sincerely hope that the bullying will stop!
I’m glad you have not experienced any bullying, Loden. Good luck to you in your dancing endeavors! Let me know how it goes!
Hi Nina,
We met at the TKTS booth in NYC last summer and just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. My son is 12 and has danced since he was 6 and has never been bullied about his dancing until this year. Unfortunately, there is a boy in his class that asks him if he is gay because he dances. Max is not at all shy of his dancing and often wears dance shirts to school so everyone knows that he dances. His response to this kid, “Well, I’m the one dancing with the girls while you are rolling around with boys while you play football.” He is like Julian and would never give up dancing because of teasing. All I can say is that even though it may get them down, they are so brave and strong to stick with it when most kids would quit which makes me so proud of these dancing boys.
I totally remember you! You made me feel like a celebrity when you found me on line at the TKTS booth! Good for your son! That’s what we used to tell Julian to do…tell the boys that exact thing. Still, after so many years, it gets pretty old. He’s reaping some of the benefits now, though. Will I see you in NYC again?
Max is going to dance at the Boston Ballet SI this year. He got into Houston too but he wanted to go away on his own and I’m not ready for him to go to NYC on his own. I am worried about him being away but I’ve heard nothing but good things about the program and that they attract a lot of boys so he is really excited. As usual, I am worried and he is not. Is Julian going to SAB this year? If so, will you tell us all about it? I’ve heard they run a good residency program during the summer and I know that Max would love to go to NYC one summer.
My son has been dancing since Kindergarten. He is now in second grade and had his first competition this week-end at DX Eclipse in the Twin Cities. He scored two platinum scores and two high golds. Finished top five in three of his dances and received best of show for a musical theater dance. He received a shirt exclaiming his accomplishments and will be wearing it to school tomorrow because he is very proud of his hard work. I am terrified of how he will be treated once everyone knows he dances. He was bullied mercilessly in first grade so we changed schools and very few kids know that he dances. Am I overreacting?
David,
No, you aren’t overreacting. My son rarely wore those great sweatshirts and t-shirts he won at competition. I wear them now… He didn’t hide that he danced, but he didn’t flaunt it either. Let me know how he fares. If you ever want to share your views, let me know…Happy to have you post.
I sent an email to his teacher and explained my concern and was floored when she changed her morning agenda to look at famous male dancers and the history of male dancing. She then had my son talk about his experience. My son was elevated to hero status when the other kids learned that Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) was a dancer too. He then performed his solo during Phy. Ed. and the teacher taught them how to Cha-Cha slide. I was completely flabbergasted. I started that day thinking it would be one of the worst of his life and instead it was the best. (according to him) We are extremely lucky to be a part of such an amazing school and community. Thank you for being there for me!
Wow! I am amazed. You need to send that teacher one amazing gift. Kudos to her. And I’m thrilled for you and your son.