It’s been 11 days…and news has been sparse from Germany, to say the least. As you can imagine, with my hubby gone to Berlin after dropping Julian off, the house is quiet. Just the cat and me at home, reminiscent of when Ron took Julian off to SAB last fall.
Just as when Julian left for New York, I have been very sad. This time, however, it’s been different…In some ways easier, and in some ways harder. Easier in that my grief seemed to pass sooner (or so I thought). Of course, I occupied myself after just two days with a trip north for business and didn’t come home for two days. Then I came home and felt quite lonely and depressed.
I thought about it and concluded that the long period–15 years–of being so involved in Julian’s dance career, actually functioning in so many ways as his manager, is over. The huge amount of energy and time I (and my husband) have spent on him and his activities is over. Yes, last year he was in NYC and we were removed from what he was doing, but we were still involved. And we were a part of the audition process. We were involved to a great extent. That is over and done with. My husband also said he felt depressed. No wonder. One huge part of our lives is over. And it leaves a hole. Especially because we cannot even see the fruit of our labor–we cannot watch our son perform. That breaks my heart.
Today, with Ron leaving Julian in Dresden after his weekend visit–the last time there will be any family there to help him or see him until possibly November (but I’m not even sure about that)–I suddenly was overcome with sadness and fear. I cried harder than I had when Julian and Ron left that ticket counter at the airport to head for security.
After all, this is my little boy being left alone in a foreign country. He’s only just turned 18. It would be one thing if he was going off to college here in the states. But his is in another country and he’s working like an adult.
And…and…I’ve spoken to Julian only twice since he got there and once for only about 2 minutes. Even his father didn’t speak to him much until he arrived in Dresden this weekend for his last visit prior to returning to the states on the 24th. (He still has business in Berlin until then.) I had a few brief chats with him on Facebook–a few sentences. Today, we had a long chat on his Dad’s phone. But Julian’s phone has no long distance calling, and he has no internet in his room yet, so we can’t Skype call. Until he sets up the internet, we cannot communicate.
There are some things that need to get handled that I’m worried about. As always, I’m concerned they won’t get handled, but I’ve had to resign myself to the fact that I can no longer do anything…can’t help, can’t push, can’t prod, can’t even really ask about these things. It does no good. I can’t help from across an ocean and with the language difference and all. I wouldn’t know if Julian had done what he said or I asked him to do or not. Today I told myself and him that I have to let go…feels too early but I know it’s necessary.
As for the news from Dresden, Julian has moved into a dorm. He has five other roommates, although he has a single room, but he has only met two; everyone is on break until October. He says the dorm is nice. Two bathrooms. The young engineering student speaks English and is pleasant; the young girl doesn’t speak to him at all.
He has managed to open a German bank account; he still has to figure out how to transfer money into it from his American account. His student visa is arranged by Palucca, the ballet school, because he is a student there. He does not yet know when he gets paid, but he hopes it’s in time to pay his rent at the dorm.
He has become fast friends with two other apprentices, and so he spends all his free time with them at the moment. I’m glad he has someone to do things with.
He began taking company class this week. It seems most of the other male apprentices have been moved out of company class and into another class, for apprentices, I think. Julian (so far) has remained in company class.
He is now going to be taking company class (or class…we’ll see) six days a week and rehearsing as well. His schedule depends on the rehearsal schedule itself. For instance, one day, he only rehearsed from 4-5 and on Saturday he had no rehearsal at all.
La Bayadere is the first ballet Semperoper Ballett will perform. Julian was given a role in the first cast as a Fakir and in the second cast in a Pas De Quatre. He is also an understudy for that, I think, for the first cast. He said someone told him the part he was given is hard and other more experienced dancers have failed at it. So…we’ll see how he does. Fingers crossed. They open on the 31st and perform for 5 days. I wish Ron could have stayed another 6 days…
Julian says he likes Dresden. He’s enjoying the food. He’s getting around fine. In fact, he found an abandoned bike that he rode until it totally broke; seems it was broken to begin with. Now he is planning to purchase a bike to get around. It takes him 10 less minutes to get to the theater by bike then by public transport–and most of the dancers ride bikes. I’m pushing for a helmet and offered to pay for it. Seems helmet wearing is not so common in Germany.
I’m glad my son is adjusting and so far doing well. He’s only had four days of actually company class and rehearsal, though. We’ll see how things continue. As for me, I’m adjusting, too; seems harder for me, but that’s always the case for “the one left behind.” It’s definitely hard to let go…
Thank you for your post. I feel for you. If/when this sort of (happy) event occurs in my family, whether or not it’s US or international, I will likely need serious psychological help!!! I can’t imagine letting go as you are being forced to do. However, it is a process and you all need time to get used to the new ‘normal.’ Sounds like your son is doing well so far and thank goodness he has a group of friends already. It does sound very promising for him. Time flies and November will be here before you know it!
That is great that Julian has started and is getting settled!!
I am sorry that you are feeling so down. I totally sympathise.
It does get better, to a certain extent.
Try not to worry too much about him, though. Dresden is, as I think I mentioned, one of the safest cities in Germany.
Bicyclists are everywhere, and the automobile drivers are used to them, which makes it much better. If he gets a bike, he MUST have proper lights, though; it is the law and it is enforced. 🙂 (blinking-lights do not count – he can ask in a bike-shop; they should know the laws)
The Palucca University starts back next week, I think. (or at least they start their training-before-regular-classes) Then my daughter will also be back in Dresden. Most probably they will eventually meet, if he does sometimes take class with the students there.
Don’t worry about Julian, he will be fine…the Germans will keep him in line, lol. You may have to supplement him as the apprentices are the last to be paid and I found that they were never really paid on time. Also, he will be taking apprentice classes in the evening, that is pretty much required of them. It helps in addressing technique issues which are not addressed in company class. The class is usually taught by company members. I hope he is a good student as he will have to pass a German proficiency test in Jan or Feb to keep his job. The company brings in professors from the local university to teach them. The year my daughter was there, they all passed. Apprentices after the first few performances may be called down on “unprofessional behavior”, so hopefully he will be on his toes and be as professional as possible.
Once he has internet up and going, skype will be your main source of communication. His bike will be rendered useless as winter sets in…just too cold to ride it but they do have a fantastic tram system there that he will use. He definitely needs those lights. The Germans are sticklers when it comes to rules and large fines are not unusual. My duaghter’s friend neglected to bring back a library book and ended up being charged about $300 much to her chagrin. His best friends will be the other apprentices. Dresden is incredibly safe. I never worried about my daughter walking alone late at night.
As far as I know, La Bayadere is a company staple. My daughter was there a few years ago and they opened with that ballet and also danced it in the spring. They dance this ballet every year. It can get pretty boring for them by the spring. I know she got pretty bored with it and had to come up with ways of keeping it fresh. It is not unusual to be thrown in at the last minute to replace either an apprentice who can’t get the part down, or an injured corp member or soloist. All three scenarios happened to my daughter with the replacing of the soloist as the most challenging.
This will be a fantastic year for him. You will see huge personal growth. Know that you were a huge part in helping him get to this place in his career and that the Dresden Ballet Apprentice program is a wonderful introduction to company life. I hope you do get to see him perform. The opera house is lovely.
Judy,
Thanks so much…and for all your emails. It’s so nice to know a mom who had a child in the apprentice program in Dresden. So far it seems Julian is doing fine. We will hear tomorrow hopefully how his two big performances went doing the pas de quatre role in La Bayadere. Then…it’s off to Palucca for classes until Nutcracker starts. There have been no apprentice classes that I know of in the evening at this point. He started with company class and then switched eventually to apprentice class in the morning; they have too many people in the company so all apprentices eventually ended up there. He was the last to go. He had rehearsals at various times during the day. Now the company switches to contemporary pieces, and the apprentices are off to the school.
He has many friends–not just apprentices. He has adjusted well. I am sure the language won’t be a problem, and once he gets his internet–which hopefully was this week–he can also use his online course.
Thanks for your note, and sorry I never got back to you by email!
Nina
Nina, not a problem and just know that the program probably changes a little each year. The year my daughter was there, she always took company class in the morning and if there was time, an apprentice class was scheduled in the evening after rehearsals. The apprentices always worked harder than everyone else. There are a ton of really nice dancers in the company.