Bye, Bye Dancin’ Boy

It’s taken me four days to be able to write this post, and just typing in the headline brought tears to my eyes. That tells you how hard it was to say goodbye to my dancin’ boy,  who left on Saturday morning with his Dad. I did my tearful goodbye at the airport, sobbing as I told him I didn’t want him to leave. Yes….I actually said that. I then had to text message him an addendum and tell him I was proud of him and knew he was making the right choice and I supported him in that choice and wanted him to enjoy himself and go show everyone what a star he was and that was what I meant to say after saying I didn’t want him to leave.  “I’m just going to miss you a lot, and I love you.”

He texted back, “Thanks mom. That means a lot to me. I love you, too.”

It’s always hard to send our kids off, but when they leave home earlier than they “should” it’s so much more difficult. And I’m just struggling with the thought that I’m missing out on his senior year; it was such an important one for my daughter.

The ironic thing is that Julian may not really have a senior year at all, and that is totally breaking my heart. (A new reason to cry…like I needed one.) He was pretty excited about attending Professional Performing Arts School (PPAS) because he though he might finally be in a school environment where he might fit in or get accepted for himself. He–we–didn’t think about the fact that he would only be there two, possibly three, periods a day. Still it was something–it was a chance to meet some kids and be a part of the school community in some small way. He talked about going to dances and to prom…about helping set up a grad night event.

Well…now it seems that PPAS change its class schedule and SAB changed its weight lifting schedule and there is a possibility that Julian may take all his classes AT SAB. NYCB has a grant to pay for PPAS teachers to come to SAB and teach the kids whose ballet schedules preclude them from attending academic classes. That would mean Julian would have NO senior year to speak of.

He’s downplaying he importance of this to him, saying he always hated getting up and going to school. Who wouldn’t if you got teased and ridiculed? But he wanted to try the new school…And I want him to have a normal life, a life outside of SAB, outside of ballet and dance? Is that not a normal thing to want for your son? Is that not a reasonable thing to ask for?

We’ll see how it all plays out. There are two weight lifting classes…one for intermediate boys and one for advanced. Julian doesn’t want to take the intermediate class, although I understand they alter the curriculum for the older boys who have to take it.

Really, though…make the kids drop academic school because of weight lifting class? I’m told by SAB that won’t happen–academic school comes first. We’ll see.

Anyway, Julian is having a blast so far. He managed to get his three, yes three, suitcases of clothes into his tiny space. He likes his two roommates; he would have chosen them if asked with whom he wanted to room. He likes his suitemates and the other boys in general. And he likes the smallness of the winter program; only about 68 kids live in the dorm in the winter.

I’m sure he’ll be fine. I said those same words to my sisters. She said, “I’m sure he will. How about you?” I’ll be fine, too…I’m just still feeling very, very sad about sending my son off to NYC a year before he would have left for college and missing out on a whole year at home with him. That breaks my heart.

How did my mother-in-law do it? She sent her two sons off to the US while she lived in Venezuela for all four of their high school years. Sheesh.Other parents of ballet dancer send their kids off for more than just one year…

Anyway, I spent two days really miserable. Anyone following me on Facebook or Twitter probably saw that…and thanks for the support from those who offered it there and here. I really appreciated it. In fact, I got lots of comfort from hanging out on the social networks since I was all alone; Ron was away. I probably just needed to be alone though. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone.

I’m better now, though. I’m starting to do some work and get re-motivated. I actually am about to sign up for a 4-day human potential workshop. Wow! I haven’t been able to do that for about 25 years! I might actually begin to like this new-found freedom.

I’m sure Julian will thrive at SAB and PPAS and that I will thrive as well with time on my hands to finally devote to my work and to myself. I’ll keep you posted.