I’ve got to be the most frustrated mother in the world. My son can dance, and he does, but I can’t get him to get good grades, even though he can.
I think we finally have managed to get Julian to work hard at dance. He’s always spent many hours at the studio – last year he danced five to six days a week for about three hours a pop. However, I wouldn’t have said he worked overly hard. While some of the girls came out of class dripping in sweat, Julian came out looking cool as a cucumber. This year he dances six days a week for three hours or more each day and more often than not he breaks a descent sweat in class. Plus, I do think he’s improving by leaps and bounds…well, that might be an overstatement, but he is working harder than he used to while still devoting most of his free time to dance. When it comes to schoolwork, though, it’s another story entirely.
Julian is a smart boy, which is probably why he expects schoolwork to come easily. Up until now he could get by with the minimum of effort. And homework has been a somewhat haphazard activity done in the car for the most part as we rush to and from dance classes. This year, as a freshman in high school, he has a much more difficult and demanding workload, and he just doesn’t want to knuckle down and do what it takes to get good grades. He wants the good grades, but he doesn’t want to make the effort. And his grades totally show that he doesn’t always hand in his work or study for his tests and quizzes.
We even got him a tutor recently. This has just frustrated him all the more. She has given him more work…sheets to fill out to help him study for mid terms.
So, what does it take to get him to want those good grades as badly as he wants to be a good dancer? It’s taken quite a few years for Julian to figure out that he has to work hard at dance to get any better, but that’s still fun even when he works hard, and the results are reward enough. Studying and doing homework are not fun. A’s are a descent reward, but they don’t seem to be enough of an enticement to get him to study.
And I feel not only frustrated, but…well, hurt…that he won’t put in the effort. I put in so much effort for him, and all our extra money goes to his dancing and his sisters art and swimming. And all his dad and I ask is for some hard work and good grades in return. Ah, but parents aren’t supposed to ask for anything in return, are they?
And taking dance away as a consequence? Well, we had one dance teacher tell us that wasn’t an option. We’ve taken away the Ipod. We’ve taken away texting on his phone. We’ve taken away extracurricular activities, such as going out with friends. We’ve taken away television (he only has time to watch on Sunday mornings and Saturday and Sunday nights). What else can we take away? If we take away dance, this action affects other people – all the dancers in the dances he is scheduled to perform for Teen Dance Company. That doesn’t seem fair. So, we are between a rock and a hard place.
We’ve tried consequences and punishments. We’ve tried rewards. We’ve yelled. I’ve cried.
Anyone have solutions? I’m all out.
On that note, to add a bit of levity to this post, all the mom’s out there really need to watch this video. I suggest we all play it all day long, or at least while our kids are at home, and then we won’t have to say anything at all. This mom says it all for us! (I’m sorry, I couldn’t get the actual video to post…and when you get to the site, click on the video that says, “The Mom Song.” If it doesn’t show up, do a search.)
The Mom Song from Northland Video on Vimeo.
A disclaimer: my son is still a toddler so I’ve not been through, with my own child, what you are going through with yours.
With that said, I have a brother, a few years younger than me, that had a similar issue in high school. He is grown now and, despite receiving an acting scholarship for college, ended up not completing his degree. A large part of his frustration (which led to his departure from school) was due to his being required to take some “catch-up” or remedial-type courses because his grades weren’t great in high school (really boring for someone who doesn’t actually need them). He currently has steady and good work in another field, but looking back on it, I think he sees that had he worked harder in high school he may have had more opportunities to pursue an acting career and would not have to work so hard now. Finding well-paid work without a college degree is not easy and he has not had the economic freedom to pursue his acting.
My point, I guess, is that while grades are certainly not everything they can affect one down the road and just a little extra effort can make a world of difference. Even if he goes straight to a dance career, most dancers eventually need to find work in another career. I don’t know if this story will help Julian or not. I will say that, at the time, there was no convincing my brother, and nagging him about his school work seemed to have adverse affects. Unfortunately, most people have to learn things for themselves. I would say, unless he is failing, letting him know that you trust him to make good choices by backing off the topic a bit (I know it is really hard), may make him feel more like the adult he is becoming and encourage him to take responsibility and pride in his school work.
Oh where to begin.
I’m going through this exact same thing even as we type (keyboard? That sounds idiotic. I’ll stick with “type)
I don’t know if your son’s difficulties go hand in hand with a stunning lack of organization, the assumption that YOU will swoop in and save the day by reminding him of things he’s forgotten, from school work to hair brushing, and a tendency to space out on whatever he isn’t totally riveted by…my son’s do.
So how to deal with it…uhhhh…I’m still slogging through the darkness myself, but I’ve had success with just letting him swing—to an extent. Pete wants to do well in school. He wants to do a good job and falling short shames him into wishing to try harder (and yes I DO tell him that the other kids won’t have time for a slow freight…mean? Not meaner than an uninterested employer).
I explain, very clearly just what and how every assignment he is given will be necessary to him, not only in the academic realm but in life.
He hears adults use bad grammar on the train and it strikes him as wrong or funny, and kind of scary comming from adults who should know better…well, then I tell him that’s why you read and study grammar.
I’m hoping that making the connection between schoolwork and the ability to make money doing something you halfway enjoy will influence him.
That said we have the advantage(?) of being poor—no not frugal, or on a budget, we are real, honest to goodness poor people— and that gives my son a good sense of reality. He knows darned well that working to train for something lucrative can provide him a nice environment and good food in his adulthood. That helps.
So, while it’s scary and frustrating for parents, I think this is really just a boy thing. It’s a stage they go through when school starts becoming more about pressure and concentrated mental work and less about having natural intellectual gifts and fun with the gang.
Pete does and Julian may respond to practicality, AND to the fact that his ability to get into some of the best schools in the country (schools with strong dance departments) hinges largely on his grades.
Good luck to both of us!
Julian’s ballet teacher stressed that if Julian wants to go to a conservatory, where academics don’t count, and doesn’t get in, he better have the grades to get into a school that has a good dance program. Or…he’ll be at a school that takes kids with lousy grades and has a lousy dance program. He plans to have a talk with Julian….for whatever it’s worth.