Despite the fact that Julian hasn’t had much luck over the years with friends, he’s a very social creature. Being a dancer, has made it hard for him to fit in socially, however. Most young male dancers experience this.
For a really social kid like Julian, being accepted anywhere makes him very excited. And when he’s excited, he wants to express himself. In other words, he wants to talk. In his new dance company, he is not only accepted, the 22 kids are like a little family, chatting and texting and hugging all the time.
They have to tone things down when they get into class or when a choreographer arrives. Well…they try. Yesterday, I guess Julian didn’t try hard enough. Ehud Kraus was telling them from the first minute he entered the studio to be quiet.
Yesterday, Ehud was there to work on his piece of choreography. I thought Ehud liked Julian quite well. He jokes with him, even asked the last time he came to TDC how come Julian had never shown up in his studio and offered him a card and told him to come take a class some time. They have a Jewish connection; they talk about Jewish holidays and he calls him a “nudnik,” (we thought affectionately…).
Afterwards, Ehud told me, seriously, “You know Julian is a nudnik (someone irritating or a pain in the rear).”
I replied, “I know.” I thought he was joking again. Then I asked, “Is he a nudnik in a bad way?”
“He talks all the time,” he said. “To himself…to others.”
“Should I chastise him?” I asked jokingly.
He said, “You should discipline him.”
Oh, oh…time to get serious. After class I told Julian, “I don’t know what you were doing in there, but it’s time to stop joking around with Ehud and take him seriously and to stop talking when you are in a session with him.”
Well, Julian got upset (I won’t say how upset…) and said, “I’m not talking that much.” Okay…this mom doesn’t believe everything her son tells her. Julian tends to always tell the same story. He’s pretty good at denial. He went on: “Some of the other kids kept asking for help, and my group would go over to help, and then Ehud would look over at us and yell, ‘Julian, stop talking! Be quiet!'”
So, who’s story is correct? My sensitive little son believes he was wronged. Ehud believes my kid was a disruption.
I know that he can get overly excited…by a teacher who seems friendly and fun…by kids who are accepting and desiring of his attention and help…by simply dancing with other kids.
I also know that his feelings were hurt. (Actually, it’s pretty amazing how our sons, who appear to have such hard shells on the outside, are such softies on the inside. Well, I’ve always known this about Julian, who is as sensitive a kid as they come.) He felt singled out when he wasn’t the only one doing something wrong. Could it be that in this case a boy stands out as a trouble maker? Are the girls seen as the “good” ones and the boys as “bad” ones? Are the girls the well-behaved students who are quiet, proper and subdued and the boys the overly active, rambunctious and loud students — and, therefore, the ones assumed to be causing a problem?
Or could it be that because Julian has a relationship with Ehud…because of the connection he formed with Ehud, he was singled out…expected to behave differently?
Or, dare I say it, could my son – yes, my lovely, well-behaved son – have simply spent more time goofing off and talking during the choreography session than working hard? (It wouldn’t be the first time.) I wouldn’t doubt it for a minute. (Does that make me a bad mom?)
In any case, our discussion escalated into Julian complaining about only being told what he does wrong rather than what he does right when he is at TDC…Ah, you can see where this is going. It wasn’t pretty or pleasant.
Another long drive home with a sniffling, upset kid, and me wondering why I spend my time driving back and forth to the studio and paying tons of hard-earned money for “this.”
Oh, I do know how it feels to be torn between wanting to protect your little one—and wanting to shout reality to them and wake ’em up!
It’s probably a a universal frustration.
Luckily, my guy, as the Big Kid of his class is very serious in ballet, add to that the dignity of being Nutcracker, and poor Pete tends to be, dare I say it, stuffy!
(Okay, now I’m getting mental images of William F. Buckley in tights and that’s just creepy)
As to whether your son was singled out for some reason, that’s very likely…since he IS singled out by an accident of biology and is therefore much more noticeable. Has his voice deepened to where it would stand out more readily from the voices of the girls?
Is Julian trying to “impress” the girls by being a leeeeetle bit more animated than he should?
If your son sounds like anything he certainly DOES NOT sound like a “trouble maker” In fact, I wish he lived nearer my boy and they chould hang out! If anything he might be a little bit innocent for his age, socailly, while being mature in his cultural knowledge.
In other words, a nice guy who is going to come into his own when he becomes an adult.
No way do I think that honesty with oneself or ones child ever makes one a bad mother. You critique him with LOVE and the desire to see him do well since you have an adults knowledge of the world.
OUTSIDE people, on the other hand, will usually critique with an eye to weeding him out and narrowing down the competition.
It is your goal (I’m being pretty presumptuous here) to NEVER see your baby weeded from anything he wants!
HUGE DIFFERENCE!
I honestly think this is just a phase grown of boredom with the material, excitement about being with other young people who share his interests, and simple boyish high spirits.
It’s normal, but it can annoy teachers.
Thanks for your insightful comments – as always. I wish our sons could hang out together, too. And I doubt your son is actually stuffy!
I hadn’t thought about the difference in tonality of voice. That could very well be the case…and Julian is not a quiet child by any means. His voice is deepening, and the other boy, who he happened to be helping, is older but does not have a deep voice at all. He tends to sound like the girls. And of course, Julian is always animated around the other dancers – and girls.
And what a catch 22 – to be asked by friends to help them and to then get in trouble for doing so. Kids hate that, and with good reason.
Ah…if only life was easy and dance class and rehearsal perfect. If only every dance teacher and choreographer could see everything that goes on in the studio and be willing to really listen to every child. Unfortunately, that will never happen. They keep telling me this dance company is supposed to teach the kids about the real world of dance – what it will be like when they become professionals. I hope they last long enough to make it that far.